As the days go by, a strange undertone of contentment develops, all the the while the knowledge of how things will decline, likely irrevocably, becomes more and more pronounced.
There seems to be a lull making up the fabric of the air, while the heavy April rains and cherry blossom petals pattern the ground like a pink afghan. A loud and wet lull, stalling the activities of the days, foreshadowing the months to come: a time marked by a reluctant surrender to Nature. We cannot do this and that without her consent, and indeed, we rely on her reactions to the time-space patterns, and viral inputs. There is no modicum of control. There is only the watching of the weather. Shall we move today, or stay put? It’s good to stay dry. But not too dry. We need water.
I read that the beneficial bugs are not showing up and the bad ones are proliferating, and new ones appearing out of nowhere, with new diseases. Yet my garden’s worms have never been more plentiful, and when I lift this or that, the centipedes scurry for cover. Could it be that everything could possibly be just as normal? And that everything that I am learning about climate change through the Black Mirror of the computer screen is a false reality? Is there a glimmer of possibility that if I just shut it off, never to open it again, that the beauty of the yard I live on will reclaim its place as the Only Reality, and the “Groundhog Day” over and over again day to day that I even just recently cursed for being so monotonous and boring, will be all that is, forever, never to be taken over by changes beyond our control? What a privileged thought, says the inner critic. How delusional! Yet, a fine coping mechanism, and probably even a healthy cultivor of inner peace, would say my meditation teacher, who advocates a frame of mind through which there is no Past, or Future, at all – it’s all just what is happening here and now. So, yeah. Am I just giving myself pre-traumatic stress syndrome? The anxiety of things that have not happened yet?
Which of the infinite number of universes am I in, actually? Can I make a quantum leap to the one where this A through Z suffering gets written out of the program code? Well, I don’t know. Indeed, there is that idea, “this moment is the only reality.” And yet, there’s that other idea, that the past and future are already existent, and are happening right now – we just don’t have the sense organs to be privy to them. Of course, these two ideas are not mutually exclusive.
Many people are getting themselves arrested for protesting at the Extinction Rebellion events. Reports are, 1000 in one day in London. A former version of myself would have jumped right into that fire. Now, it’s all I can do to drive 5 miles to the dog park, or for my gig job to make a few bux to pay for the small expenses I have, or whatever other low key and local movements I’m called to make. I don’t want to go anywhere, and rebelling isn’t going to do anything at all. It just takes more of the precious energy that we are going to need. I imagine a baby human screaming as a stampede of rhinos toward it. Good luck, baby… as they say. Now is a time to conserve one’s life force as much as possible. This is the true meaning of the word “conservative.” We must conserve. I am a conservative. Our language has it all wrong. There isn’t much that can be said or written anymore that does not inherently contradict the intended meaning, because of the encoded corruptions in our lexicon. It’s a tragic state of affairs.
Then there is the case of hundreds of birds falling from the sky in the Netherlands during a 5G wireless “experiment.” I’d call this sonic warfare, but this isn’t a war – because there can be no victor. It’s worse than a war. At least, in a war, one side enjoys the spoils, and can rewrite the story as they see fit. But, with this sort of “technology” there are no winners. At best, there may be survivors. Maybe.
I keep hearing and seeing the Rainbow prophecies in my head, and wonder, if they are indeed going to come to pass, then what is developing now is some ridiculous test of faith and endurance, isn’t it? Well, the proof is in the happening, as they say. I wish that I may be a part of such a reclaiming and a healing, and I wish that it will happen at all. However, how much of my thoughts matter in this? Some would say they mean everything. Others would say they mean nothing. Others may say that for me to consider any of this at all is separatist, egotistic, and problematic. Still others would say that even considering it, and the feelings of love for the Earth and for the hope of Life are all that matter.
It’s a challenge, knowing that magic is real and that the potential for our reality far surpasses what we can imagine… and also knowing that we live in a collective reality that is the direct result of the actions of the collective. Indeed, there is a butterfly effect. And yet, we are subject to natural laws that are infinitely, immeasurably more powerful than even all of our wills put together. It’s maddening, to go into these sequences of thought. So most of the time I think and act as though all is just business as usual. I accept that at any moment, things could change – in one swoop, or slowly, over an extended period. It is certain, at least, that our collective reality is not doing well. So I watch my experience of this movie, act and document as seems natural and right for me to do so, and do my best to prepare myself for any possibility. Because, any of it could happen. I listen to my body and do what it says, to the best of my ability. That’s all I have, really.
The days go by as they will go by.
Maturation does happen slowly, but the more I do it, the more I find that there is less for me to do, and the more I see that the world will turn as it turns.
There’s that cliche question of, “what would you change about your life if you found out that you didn’t have long to live?” Well, all of humanity is facing that question now. And as it turns out, for me, there really isn’t much I would change. I’ve already done my travels, and my dream of having a dog of my own has come true. Aside from that, there isn’t much in the grand scheme of things that I yearn for, that I can’t cultivate in my life from the inside, especially with the first world privileged resources that I have at this time.
The seconds become longer and longer.
I’m appreciating them more and more.
Because they are what I have now, and maybe, perhaps, for the memories.